Ok, so a couple of my Mommy friends on facebook posted this video. The title said "This video will make you cry." So, of course, I was curious and watched it.
Such as sweet sweet video. Although most woman cry because they can relate to the emotion of becoming a mom, for me, it made me sad. I cried because I can't relate, but DESPERATELY want to. I want to be pregnant and feel a baby kick, see their first picture in a sonogram. See them wave at me through the ultrasound. I am surrounded by some of the most precious babies and LOVE each and every one of them. But I want one of my own. I want to make a baby that makes me a mother.
God is weaving a story through my life right now that doesn't make sense. I know and believe His timing is absolutely perfect. I know and trust that His timing will be better than anything I could ever fathom. I know that Alex and I have so much to be thankful for and going through this time of wanting and waiting is growing our marriage, but that doesn't remove the moments where I am just a little sad to be missing out.
We recently went to dinner with friends of ours and their sweet baby boy was getting sleepy and crying. I offered to hold him and our friend said "most people don't volunteer to take the crying babies." Alex's reply was "She will take them any way she can get them." So true. Please hear my heart in this post, I am not severely sad, not posting for pity or anything, but I also know I am not the only one at a time in life of wanting and waiting. It manifests itself differently, but God has opened my eyes in the last couple days to see a friend whose parents are divorced and is struggling forgiving her Dad; seeing a friend whose marriage is leaving her wanting out for multiple reasons; friends wanting a different job path but not the means to make the change; friends wanting to marry and waiting to meet "him"; me wanting to experience pregnancy and not getting the opportunity yet.
"Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this;
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; " Ps. 37:4-7
I love these verses. Right now, my focus is on delighting in the Lord. I am currently studying "A Women's Heart" by Beth Moore on my own and really enjoying it. The Holy Spirit is teaching me so much. I love knowing that no matter what happens in life, no MATTER the struggle, my delight is in the Lord, so no worldly challenge even compares. This is NOT an easy mindset, as mentioned above. I do WANT to be pregnant, but my delight is in the Lord and I trust in His timing. He says, commit my way to Him, trust him and He WILL do it. I can't control timing, but I can control whether or not I choose to commit my way to him. I am thankful that I serve a God that wants to give me the desires of my heart -- but for a short time, I just have to wait.
You may think this is silly, but there is a Friends episode that I feel captures the emotion I feel when it comes to wanting to be pregnant and having no control over actually getting pregnant. It is the episode where Chandler and Monica are meeting the Birth Mom that has erroneously chosen them to adopt her baby. She thinks they are a different couple, a reverend and a doctor. Chandler and Monica play along at first because Monica JUST wants a baby and knows it could be months before another mom may or may not choose them.
The birth mom storms out when she realizes that Monica and Chandler have been lying and Chandler runs after her into the hall and says the following.
Chandler: My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring... and don't tell her I said this, but the woman's always right. I love my wife more than anything in this world. And... it kills me that I can't give her a baby. I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad, but my wife, she's already there. She's a mother without a baby. Please?
Man, can I ever relate to that....I have had quite a few people come up to me and ask if we have kids and when I say "No, not yet." they will respond with, "You are going to be a great mom." I hope that is true. I DO know this. If we have the opportunity and honor to get pregnant and have a baby, there is NOTHING I will take for granted. That baby will be overtaken with love and kisses and praises for the blessing that has long been waited for.
Can anyone relate?